Friday, November 22, 2013

Inception Intervention

The dreams are back.

This time I was in a square surrounded by tall buildings. I was with a friend. It was cold as she had a red scarf on. The weather was grey. It was like a movie shot in instagram.

Then in front of me I saw an abandoned building, with countless people standing within its open collums and walless floors. I sensed that they were protesting about something and then there was a loud cheer and everyone made ready to leave. There was one guy in a sky blue bubble jacket. I could see him from afar.

Without warning the centre shaft collapsed and the man in blue together with the crowd around him plunged down as one by one the floors gave way and we all heard the drop down the stories, through the ground into the basement floors .. falling and falling.

Then the buildings around me started to fall apart, bricks falling like dislodged lego crumbling bit by bit then whole facades collaped down into the square. I lost my friend. Then I realised my mother was with me and I lost her too. And my friend's mother.

All around me people screamed and screamed.

I was there, a participant in the spectacle, watching as the world imploded as though its foundation was rocked by an invisible earthquake.

Then just as sudden I realised that I was now, completely alone. With nothing. And the feeling of helplessness, uncertainty and complete horror of not knowing what to do was so crippling. I woke up shaking and unable to crawl out of bed for a good half hour.

If that was just my dream. I cannot fathom the misery of the survivors of typhoon haiyan.

Then I too despaired.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Lonely tree

There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly - F.Scott in The Great Gatsby

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Caterpillar looking to be a Butterfly

Helplessness is when you wake up in the morning and for two seconds, lights filters in and then reality hits and your wretchedness fall on you like a ton of bricks and you are pinned down under the weight of all that is wrong with you. The worse part is that you believe all of it and you deserve it. And you lie there staring at the ceiling going through the motions to reinforce why you deserve to feel like this and yet try to find reasons compelling enough to get round to functioning.

At times this takes 20 minutes, at times a few hours.

At these times, the point is existence is questioned and faith dissipates. And you feel beaten. and weak. Forgotten and derided. When the bad has wiped out every thing good. Which contributes to the vicious cycle. And you know that you will always be alone. Even in a crowd. The one outside looking in, with longing and envy.

When I was chided as a child for not having a backbone, little did I know how close to the truth it was. Perhaps some are born with more gumption. But as water eventually erodes the cliffs, human resolve will whittle away eventually no matter how strong. And mine has been flimsy at most. Still how to regain that which has been lost, especially when what is lost is essentially myself?

Friday, November 08, 2013





Every night, I am visited by dreams. And they are anxious dreams, tiring dreams and very often the most violent ones involve water.

Tsunamis are a common theme. Of being trapped with the tidal waves all round and above me, and I wait in terror for the final crash that never comes. In all, the fear is palpable and they linger even when I open my eyes. I don't think I would be any less scared in a real situation.

Yet recently I dreamt of water again. I was at the edge of a very tall rushing waterfall. The spray rendered everything white. Despite the size, it was all silent. I stood at the edge and I threw myself off the cliff. The one time I have ever dreamt of actually meeting the water. And it was peaceful and intentional. I didn't see myself crash at the bottom, but just disappearing in the mist.

I remember thinking, how nice..