Sunday, September 25, 2016

Some days, melancholy

Some days, you can’t fake it.

During those days, its hard to convince yourself that everything will be ok.

When the adult part of you tries to calm the panicking inner child, you use the same voice you use when you call your mom to tell her not to worry, that everything is great over here.. right before hanging up and crumpling to the floor.  You invoke the same logic that time heals all pain. You recite the tired phrases that there is a silver lining to all tragedies and really, God’s got your back. 
But you don’t really believe that, not really.  Not all the time.  

So you sift through puppy photos and uplifting quotes online just as Spotify randomly picks out just the right songs to break your heart.

You have the wondrous ability to surrender you mind, flesh and soul, yet powerless to compel another to even meet you halfway.  A fucking Russian roulette of winner takes all.  You wager your heart for a chance to escape servitude to Loneliness, for that shot at bliss.  And you try again and again until all love is loss to Heartbreak and you return to Loneliness’ dominion – paralyzed and bitter.

How cruel it is that everyone has the need to love and also the limitless capacity to hurt and despair. 

Some days you love.
Some days you are adored.
Some days you hate.
Some days you are despised.

Today I am broken.  Maybe I will be pieced together again.
Some day.

Monday, September 12, 2016


Loneliness is quiet.
Loneliness is vast.

Its a void that expands and floods the spaces of the mind and the crevices of the heart. Invisible, yet palpable. Its a juxtaposition where absence causes pain.  

As pleasure, love, joy gives definition to their lack thereof. loneliness springs from pining of fulfillment that once was.  Which is presumably why its so damn painful, this mourning for ghosts of contentment past.

Anthony Robbins has a a very simple way of describing unhappiness. It is a state when our situation (or whatever specific aspect in our lives that is causing us pain),  does not line up with the blueprint in our heads of what the situation SHOULD be.  If in our minds, we have defined bliss to be a life living in a perfect house in a perfect neighborhood with perfect kids and a perfect dog, while holding down that perfect job with the best boss in an excellent organisation .. the moment life laughs at your silly plans and hands you a lemon instead, THAT is where pain happens.

It is not uncommon to want our social lives to be filled with the right people who are present and who gives unconditional love the way we want it, and is happy to go grab a pizza/watch a movie/share an orange mocha frappachino - to make us feel safe, comforted, wanted and relevant. We want someone to miss us when we are away, to worry when we don't ring back, to bring us chicken soup when we are under the weather and to allow us to go through the very same motions with them.

So when I said earlier that loneliness is by definition absence - it does not only encompass being given another's time and attention, but also having someone to give ourselves to.

As human beings, we are blessed to have so much capacity to dispense compassion and we have unlimited ability to receive. Yet our tragedy is that we can only instinctively value another's affection when it comes in the same forms we ourselves dispense to the world. As we well-meaningly  beam out our being through red heart-shaped holes, we cannot process it when someone else offers themselves in square pegs. As the spectrum spans from being friendzoned to emotional abuse, its mind boggling that so many complications exist to the simple request - "love me, please?"

Monday, September 05, 2016

Ask and you shall receive

What do you do when you have no idea what you want?
Almost all motivation books out there scream to go get what you want in life (and here is how for only $12.99)!  And Alan Watts will glibly tell you to live your life in the NOW and to not do what you want is just plain stupid.

Yet, should I have Jack Sparrow's mysterious compass, will it show me the direction of my heart's desire, even if I dont really know what it is? (for sure it will take me to the nearest JCo Donuts but I am talking after the sugar rush subsides).

Do I seek our the Mirror of Erised and risk going mad? But then I would be in Hogwarts and I am quite sure I will find some mischief to manage there and the problem will sort itself out.

There is no dearth in fiction of people searching for their dreams. Yet, is there no 12 step programme in this universe where I can find out my ultimate purpose?

Courage comes hard to one who has been told too many times that one is wrong.
Hell is lifetime of  regret and a bouquet of I-told-you-so.