Sunday, September 25, 2016

Some days, melancholy

Some days, you can’t fake it.

During those days, its hard to convince yourself that everything will be ok.

When the adult part of you tries to calm the panicking inner child, you use the same voice you use when you call your mom to tell her not to worry, that everything is great over here.. right before hanging up and crumpling to the floor.  You invoke the same logic that time heals all pain. You recite the tired phrases that there is a silver lining to all tragedies and really, God’s got your back. 
But you don’t really believe that, not really.  Not all the time.  

So you sift through puppy photos and uplifting quotes online just as Spotify randomly picks out just the right songs to break your heart.

You have the wondrous ability to surrender you mind, flesh and soul, yet powerless to compel another to even meet you halfway.  A fucking Russian roulette of winner takes all.  You wager your heart for a chance to escape servitude to Loneliness, for that shot at bliss.  And you try again and again until all love is loss to Heartbreak and you return to Loneliness’ dominion – paralyzed and bitter.

How cruel it is that everyone has the need to love and also the limitless capacity to hurt and despair. 

Some days you love.
Some days you are adored.
Some days you hate.
Some days you are despised.

Today I am broken.  Maybe I will be pieced together again.
Some day.

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