Friday, December 20, 2013

Sounds like a plan

St Google, patron saint of the interwebs, has said that in walling away one's heart against sorrow, one also runs the risk of shutting off any lurking joy or any chance encounter with happiness.

At times I am not sure that it is such a bad trade off.

As I think of reinvention, I wonder what is it that I need to change. Who is it that I want to be.

I think often of the fool's errand of hoping a different result by doing the same things. Hence by deduction, the only way I can live differently is by doing the opposite of what I tend to. Or more extremely, being a different person than I was before.

I came across an old letter I wrote but didn't post to a friend in HK. Written more than 11 years ago, I was saddened that it ranted about more or less the same issues of low esteem, of desperation for acceptance, of not applying one's self and the lack of courage. How clueless i was and how lowly I aspired.

I still can relate to that frightened young woman. She has never truly grown up or grown out of her insecurities because she never really had to. Until now.

Soul searching has never been easy for the lost especially when the spirit and compass are broken.

My habit of relinquishing decision making to others is a thinly veiled ceding of responsibility stemming from a dislike of making the wrong decision and having others blame me. Apparently I dislike being unpopular hence I take no chances and stand on the fence. Unconfrontational and eager to please, I let people use and step all over me, thinking that I am being kind and accommodating. A fool and a doormat. Neither heard nor respected. Wearing my heart on my sleeves.

Hence the first course of action is to kill that weakness. I found out the hard way that in the end, nobody would stick up for me. My battles are my own and I have to wield my axe and be my own hero.

Second, to never expect kindness or charity repaid. It should be dispensed for its own sake to the deserving. People will judge and precious few would offer empathy when tables are turned. Harsh but my first priority is to safeguard my own interests and protect my own happy. unless its for dogs, then provide freely.

To stop worrying about other people's feelings especially to those who have not extended the same courtesy. To collect whatever that is left of my pride and nurture it back to life. Nobody respects a weeping mess.

To make decisions and bear responsibilities. Be it financial investments or dinner.

To have courage against loneliness and rejection. this basically means getting a dog.

This does sound like i am turning into an ice queen. For now perhaps that is what I need to be. Being an emotional mess has not done me any good in the past few months. Now by sealing off the emotions I can get back to functioning again. At least that is the plan.


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