Monday, January 08, 2007

Mind over Bladder

Last Saturday I went for a pre-employment medical test at one of the more up-market medical centres here in KL.

After filling in about 6 to 7 pages of consent forms and medical questionnaires, I was expeting the run-of-the-mill blood taking and eye exams. So when I had my breath analysed, X-ray taken and hearing tested in a soundproof room, I started feeling like a local angkasawan. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if they strapped me on a treadmill to monitor my non-existent stamina.

But the thing that really took the cake was the urine test. After giving me strict instructions on how to pee in a cup, I was waiting for the nurse to leave the cubicle until it became clear that she had no intentions of going anywhere. Responding to my quizzical look, she coolly explained that it is policy that urine samples were to be.. erm, provided by the patient in the presence of a nurse, especially if they are testing for dope. Apparently there have actually been cases of patients swapping or diluting their urine. I kid you not. Jude Law and the movie Gattaca flashed before my eyes.

Logically, the precautions made prefect sense. But YOU try peeing in the presence of an audience. I give the nurse credit for being professional, patient and discreet but right there in the cramped toilet, it’s just you, the nurse and an empty bottle. Pressure, man!

I couldn’t do it. Not on my first run anyway. The pipes were stubbornly blocked. After apologising profusely to the nurse, I was promptly shown to the water cooler where I drank enough to float an alligator. Only then it was all systems go.

I guess it just boiled down to coming to terms with the initial shock. I mean, I am generally okay with needles, PAP smears and medical exams but oh boy, this was new.

I guess giving birth would be an even less sophisticated affair what with all the requisite yelling, flaying limbs and flashing of nether regions to an entire operating theatre. I think I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Till then- think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.


w.e.n.d.y said...

hahaha..i'm gonna drag you to the sea someday and see you pee in front of ten or twenty strangers in the sea

Monster said...

Erm, why the sea? I guess we must all do our part to ensure the sea remains salty.

w.e.n.d.y said...

the sea because then either you pay for high priced dirty toilets 1/2km away or do it in the sea in front of everyone! ;P